Warrior Strong

You have anxiety…. or depression….. or panic disorder…. or ADHD…. or any other of a long list of what the world calls mental disorders.

People tell you every day to man up, look on the bright side, think positive, be stronger… just “get over it”.

They have no idea…..

For those of us with chronic anxiety and panic disorder, we spent the entire night last night in self talk, reliving that last conversation or encounter from every angle, analyzing it, telling ourselves over and over how we should have done better, should have said this instead of that, laughed to much, they didn’t like us…..

And then the alarm went off after the 2 hours of sleep you finally managed to get and the inner battle starts all over again. So tired, really need sleep, but there is so much to do, but I am already exhausted, I don’t know it have the energy to face the day with my shields in place…… but you get up, feed the dogs, cats, whatever. Get the kids moving, make lunches, smile (even though your insides are deciding if you even want to live today) make sure everyone has what THEY need for the day.

Then the shower where maybe you cry for a few minutes, or just sit on the floor and let the water run over you. That five minutes where you don’t have to pretend.

Then the bus ride, drive, walk, bike ride….whatever….. to work, or school. In the 30 minutes it takes you to get there, you have already talked yourself off the ledge about a hundred times… “you are ok”….”you can get through this” … you have relived all of yesterday’s little foibles and are putting on your armor to get through this day.

It’s 9am, you sit down to start your day, and you have already fought and won a thousand battles against your mind, against the stigma society places on you, you carry your smile like a battle shield, you took care of everyone around you saving nothing for yourself, and you hear again from everyone around you the litany of “come on, just power through it” ….. “it can’t be that bad”….”get over it” …. ” man the fuck up”..

Not once has a single soul stopped and just asked you genuinely “hey, how are you today? What can I do to help you?”.

It is 9am, and you have already spent more mental energy, and given more of yourself than most people do in a week. When I was in the military I remember the Captain on one of my ships telling me (cause he knew what I was going through and he lived it to) “next time some pissant little shit gives you that crap tell em ‘shut up. I shit bigger than you are by 7 am. I am a God damned certified warrior and you aren’t worth the powder to blow to hell’ “

I still remember that to this day, and I say it every morning. If you don’t live with this every day you have no idea the kind of inner strength, mental fortitude and sheer will power it takes just to make it to that first meeting.

We fight a war every day with our minds, and most days we win. Some days the bear gets us, but most days we put his big hairy ass back in that cage and stare him down like steely eyed motherfuckers.

THAT is strength. THAT is a warrior.

YOU are warrior strong. Never forget that.